by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
January 15, 2005
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST ... 'IT'
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Erik is out of the office this week, hiding from the new season of "American Idol." To commemorate this event, we are reprinting a column from 2003 commemorating these purveyors of pop, these connoisseurs of crap, these sultans of snot... .
Sorry, we've been reading Tom Wolfe again.
RYAN: Welcome back to another episode of American Idol, where lots of pop superstar wannabes show their stuff to our panel of judges, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, and Simon "Scowl" Cowell. Let's go inside the judges' room and see if we can find America's next American Idol.
PAULA: Hi, I'm Paula, and I'm speechless. Let's see, your name is, uhh, Lucy-Anno?
LUCIANO: It's Luciano. And I'm going to sing the aria from "Rigoletto."
(Luciano sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. I'm just stunned into complete silence. I mean I just can't think of anything to say.
RANDY: That wasn't bad. But I have to say, Lucy, you just don't have the ... physique we're looking for in a pop star.
SIMON: Actually, aside from you being very fat, that was probably the worst thing I've ever heard.
LUCIANO: What?! I've been an opera singer for nearly 60 years.
SIMON: No, you've been deluding yourself for 60 years; you just don't have "It."
LUCIANO: "It?" What is "It?!" I'm Luciano freakin' Pavarotti. Maybe you've heard of me? I've sung all over the world for millions of people. I've given performances to kings, queens, and presidents.
RANDY: I'm sure you think so, but it's not happening here.
SIMON: Yes, you're the worst singer in the world. Get out.
PAULA: Thank you for coming. I'm speechless.
LUCIANO: Yeah, whatever.
RANDY: Let's see, next we have Bruce.
BRUCE: Hi, how ya' doin'? I'll be doing "Born to Run."
(Bruce sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. Mere words cannot describe what I'm feeling right now, so I'm just speechless. I don't even know how to begin to enunciate the emotions that I --
RANDY: You're a little old to be a pop singer, Bruce. And you just don't have "It." Sorry, man.
BRUCE: What do you mean, I don't have "It?" I've been a rock singer for 30 years!
SIMON: Then you should hire a lawyer and sue your music teacher. That was probably the worst thing I've ever heard. Your voice is too gritty and rough to make it in the music business.
BRUCE: Are you kidding me? I'm Bruce Springsteen. You know, "The Boss?" I've made 20 albums in 30 years, and I have my own band.
RANDY: Look, making some demo tapes on a $20 tape recorder does not constitute "an album." And just because you have your own band doesn't make you a singer. I've never heard of you.
SIMON: You're the worst singer in the entire world. Please go now.
PAULA: I've never heard of you either. Oh, and I'm speechless.
BRUCE: Bunch of know-nothing jerks.
PAULA: Okay, next we have ... is it Oh Zee?
OZZY: Ozzy. Ozzy Osbourne
RANDY: What are you going to sing for us, Oh Zee?
OZZY: Uh gunh sin "Crazy Train."
(Ozzy sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Speechless. I'm just speechless. Like the great French mime, Marcel Marceau, I simply do not have anything to say.
SIMON: That was absolutely, without a doubt, the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, and you're the worst singer in the world.
RANDY: I don't know who you're supposed to be with all these tattoos and the long hair, but you're definitely not going to make it in the music business.
OZZY: What'rr ya talkin' 'bout. Ah'm a bluddy supestarrr.
RANDY: What? I can't understand a word you're saying. Look, you just don't have "It."
OZZY: "It?" Wha da "BLEEP" iz "It?"
SIMON: "It" is something you don't have. And you're the worst at not having "It."
OZZY: Luk, Ah'm Ozzy Osbourne. Ya kno, da Prinz uv BLEEP-ing Darknuss. Da Osbournes? Frum da telly. Wit Sharon and dose tu brats. I wuz in Black Sabbath.
PAULA: What's Black Sabbath? I don't think I've heard of that. Is that a bug spray?
SIMON: Listen, you're the worst singer in the -- oh, I already said that. Now get out.
OZZY: Buncha mineluss slogs wun't kno moozik frum a fert.
PAULA: Buh-bye. I'm speechless!
SIMON: I wish you were speechless. You're the worst judge in the world. You just don't have "It."
PAULA: Yeah, well you're a pompous BLEEP!
RANDY: By the way, what is "It" anyway?
RYAN: Well, that's all we have time for on this week's American Idol. Be sure to join us next week when we search for the next ... American Idol!
PAULA: I'm still speechless!