by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
January 8, 2005
FREEZE! THIS IS A HOAGIE!
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- It seems cheese sandwiches have been in the news a lot during the last few months. But not always in a good way.
Last November, online casino GoldenPalace.com paid $28,000 on eBay for a 10-year-old partially-eaten cheese sandwich that bore the image of the Virgin Mary (you can see it at www.GoldenPalaceEvents.com).
I saw pictures of the Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich on their website, and while I will agree that there was a face on the sandwich, I don't necessarily believe it's the Virgin Mary. For one thing, I've never actually seen the Virgin Mary, so I don't actually know. But I think it looks more like Marilyn Monroe.
But Diana Duyser swears that for 10 years, the vestal Velveeta-on-white-bread has brought her enormous good fortune, including winning $70,000 at her local casino. She kept it on her nightstand in a plastic container.
The GoldenPalace.com website announced they will take the sandwich on a national tour and sell Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich t-shirts to help raise money for various charities. Maybe I'm just cynical, but I can't help but think that all this national attention is attracting new gamblers along with it.
So while I applaud their efforts and sentiments, am I the only one who thinks it's odd that a gambling house has purchased a food item with the Holy Blessed Mother on it? Far be it from me to point fingers at anyone, but when a casino uses the mother of the Messiah to help attact new gamblers, I start checking the skies for lightning.
But that's a good cheese sandwich - at least in the "it won't get you thrown in jail or electrocuted" way.
On the other hand, convicted murderer Douglas Eugene Wilson got one of the bad kinds.
According to an Associated Press story, while Wilson was awaiting trial on murder charges, he was passing out cheese sandwiches to fellow inmates while he was in jail. A sheriff's deputy warned him not to do this, because it violated jail rules. When Wilson ignored the deputy, he was zapped with a stun gun. He then reportedly charged the deputy and was wrestled to the ground and handcuffed.
Deputy: Hey you, no distributing cheese sandwiches in jail!
Wilson: What? It's just a cheese sandwich.
Deputy: I'm not going to warn you again. Drop the cheese sandwich and slowly step away.
Wilson: Why? It's not going to --
Stun Gun: Zzzzzzzzzzt!
Wilson was later convicted of murdering Lisa Chavez, and was sentenced to life in prison. In other words, he can't get out. Ever.
Which is why it's odd that he was then convicted of possession of contraband, and sentenced to three more years in prison. Keep in mind that he pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of possession of contraband in order to get the charges of second-degree assault and attempted second-degree assault dropped.
I realize that Wilson was probably being somewhat optimistic, and hoped that he might someday get out of prison. But I would think there would be a point where you just need to give up and realize that life in prison means just that. Why would you even negotiate to remove charges? When you're going to spend the rest of your natural days in prison, what's another six years or so?
Judge: You are hereby sentenced to three additional years in prison.
Wilson: But I'm already in for life.
Judge: Oh... . Well, now you're going to a dirty prison filled with criminals.
Wilson: But I'm already --
Stun Gun: Zzzzzzzzzzt!
Contraband is legal talk for things that should not be allowed in jails - things like drugs, pornography, and weapons. I'll bet you didn't know cheese sandwiches can be dangerous. Otherwise they wouldn't have needed stun guns to stop Wilson from passing them out.
"Nobody move! I've got a Cheddar and mayo on whole wheat, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Hopefully word of these new weapons won't reach the criminal element, or else we'll have bigger problems. Bank robbers will carry roast beef and mustard on a kaiser roll. You'll need a license and background check to be able to order lunch at your favorite Subway or Quiznos. And gun-toting Texans will soon replace their concealed revolvers with Reuben sandwiches.
Not to worry, though. The police will keep us safe from all sandwich-brandishing evil-doers, because they're well-trained and dedicated to preventing crime and helping people.
And they've got their trusty Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich brand stun guns at their side.