Vol. 22, No. 5,514 - The American Reporter - September 7, 2016



by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana
February 12, 2004
Make My Day
BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO GO

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SYRACUSE, Ind. -- "Sweetie, do you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Are you sure?"

"I know you're watching a movie."

"Yes, but you've been watching it for over an hour."

"So it's time to go to the bathroom."

"Because it's time to go, that's why."

"Because you haven't gone in a while."

"Because I don't want you to wet your pants."

"Because you'll get it on the couch."

"But then the couch will smell bad."

"Because potty has urea in it."

"It's the stuff that makes potty smell bad."

"I don't know. That's just the way our bodies work."

"Well, when you drink water or juice, it makes its way into your kidneys where it--"

"Kidneys."

"No, not your friend Sidney. Kidneys."

"No, I don't know what Sidney did at nursery school today."

"Really? That's awful!"

"Did she get hurt?"

"But why was she punching Bobby in the first place?"

"Really? Does your teacher know about this?"

"Well, if Bobby ever does that to you, you let me know."

"No, I'm not going to punch him."

"I don't know what I would do. Talk to his mommy and daddy, I suppose."

"Because people shouldn't-- hey, I thought you had to go potty."

"I know you don't have to, but you still should."

"Because it's time to go, that's why."

"We've been through this."

"I don't want you to wet your pants, because then the couch will smell bad and--"

"That's right, urea."

"No, not Sidney. Kidneys."

"I'm not really sure what kidneys do. I know they help you go potty."

"Yes, your kidneys still work even when you're done going potty."

"Two."

"I have two kidneys too."

"Everyone has two kidneys."

"They're in your tummy somewhere."

"No, you didn't eat them."

"They're just in there. Everyone is born with them."

"'Born' is when babies come out of their mommy's tummy."

"I'm not going to answer that."

"Because you're only three."

"Don't pout at me. I'm not telling a three-year-old how babies get into their mommy's tummy."

"Because I said so."

"Come on, let's go potty."

"I know you don't have to go. But you should go just for me."

"Because it's time to go, that's why."

"Well, you should still try."

"I don't care. It's been over an hour."

"That's 60 minutes."

"If you watched Mister Rogers and Teletubbies, that would be 60 minutes."

"I know you like Teletubbies."

"Yes, I do too."

"I don't know, Tinky-Winky, I guess."

"No, I won't sing the Teletubbies song for you."

"Because I don't know it."

"I know I was singing it this morning with you, but I forgot it during the day."

"No, I don't want you to teach it to me right now."

"Because I want you to go potty first."

"Because it's time to go, that's why."

"Yes, then you can watch the rest of the movie."

"I don't know if the Teletubbies would play with the Lion King or not. He'd probably eat them."

"Nothing. I didn't say anything."

"No, I didn't."

"No Sweetie, don't cry. The Lion King isn't going to eat the Teletubbies."

"Because I was just joking, that's why."

"You're right, that's not funny."

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"No, the Lion King won't eat Cookie Monster either."

"Because he wouldn't."

"Look, I don't have time to explain it to you."

"Do you understand copyrights and intellectual trademarks and the difference between commercial entertainment and public television?"

"That's why I don't have time to explain it to you."

"It's just the way grown-ups talk when they mean the Lion King won't eat Cookie Monster."

"Uh-oh. Did you just potty?"

"Okay. Run to the bathroom and take off your pants."

"That's alright. These things happen. It was an accident."

"Don't cry. You're still a big girl."

"Go on. I'll be right there."

"Agh! Don't sneak up on me like that."

"She's crying because she wet her pants."

"No, I was not keeping her from going!"

"Because I wasn't."

"She kept asking me all these questions, that's why."

"How is she going to learn anything if I don't answer her questions?"

"Could you clean her up and help her put on some new panties?"

"Because."

"Because I'll explain copyrights and intellectual trademarks and the difference between commercial entertainment and public television if you don't."

"Thank you."

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