by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
January 30, 2003
WOULD RUM WORK INSTEAD?
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- Abracadabra, make my common sense ... disappear! If only it were as easy as waving a magic wand.
Whether it's telemarketers, people who drive slow in the left lane, or that obnoxious teenager blasting his car stereo, we'd all like to wave a little stick and - *ZAP!* - make these annoyances vanish from our lives forever.
It might happen a little like this:
Well-meaning adult: You know, young man, if you play your stereo too loud, you could permanently damage your hearing.
Obnoxious teenage slacker: Bite me, you old geezer!
Well-meaning adult: - *ZAP!* - Wow, this Magic Zapper sure comes in handy. Now where's my brother-in-law?
Or like this:
IRS Agent: Well, Mr. Johnson, although we're 99 percent sure it's our error, we're not going to grant your tax refund. In fact, we're going to audit you, take away your house, and put you in jail.
Innocent taxpayer: - *ZAP!* - Thanks, Magic Zapper.
Of course, we all know this is impossible, and that magic wands aren't real.
Okay, maybe not all of us. Joann Zansky of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania thought it could happen.
She bought three magic wands -- for $1800 each - from a self-described psychic (Official motto: "Look at me, I'm a psychic!") who said the wands would erase Zansky's negative thoughts. Instead, all it did was make her money disappear, and magically make her the topic of several humor columns and late-night talk show jokes.
According to an Associated Press story, Zansky contacted Bethlehem police "... after she became suspicious about the effectiveness of the wands."
Exactly when did Zansky become "suspicious" that the wands were fake? Was it when the Psychic told her a stick would erase negative thoughts? Maybe it was when she said that one wasn't enough, and that Zansky actually needed three.
Or was it when she charged $1,800 per stick? Or was it when Zansky finally realized a bottle of whiskey would have been more effective - and a lot cheaper?
But the funniest part of the story is that Zansky only became "suspicious," instead of coming to an all-out realization that she had been duped. I can only imagine the call she made to report her "suspicions."
911 Operator: Nine-one-one. What's the emergency?
Zansky: I think my wands are fake.
911 Operator: I'm sorry, did you say "wands?"
Zansky: Yes, I did. I bought some magic wands for $5,400 from a psychic. She said the wands would make my negative thoughts disappear. But they didn't work, because I've had negative thoughts about her, politicians, and my 7th grade English teacher. But mostly her.
911 Operator: - *ZAP!* - Thanks, Magic Zapper!
Actually, instead of zapping Zansky, Lt. Robert Righi of the Bethlehem Police told the Associated Press they were investigating the charges, and said it could be "... some violation of consumer fraud." He then pointed to his forehead and made a "Duh" face.
So what did these wands look like? For $1,800, they'd better diamond-studded sticks made of gold that also operates my television. But my guess is they were nothing more than glitter-painted dowel rods with plastic stars on the end.
Zansky: That looks like a plastic star.
Psychic: No, that's not plastic. It's made of moronite. It's a precious compound, found in the energy-filled mines below Stonehenge. It channels the cosmic energies of the universe to erase your negative thoughts.
Zansky: It says it was made in China.
Psychic: Quick, wave the wand and have a drink of whisk- uh this magic potion.
As of last Wednesday, no charges have been filed against the unnamed psychic. However, one would assume she already knows what's going to happen, and has already channeled a good lawyer to defend her.
Understandably, Zansky says there was a very good reason she was duped.
"She was a terrific actress," she said of the shady psychic.
Actually, the psychic's acting abilities had nothing to do with it. It's because you a) believed in someone who probably had a big neon hand on the front of her house, and b) honestly thought that waving a stick around like a kid with a Fourth of July sparkler would get rid of your negative thoughts. How stupid can you get?
Everyone knows you can only dispel negative thoughts by placing crystals on your forehead while you sleep.