American Reporter Humor Writer
January 3, 2002
SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE ... UHHH
SYRACUSE, Ind. -- I could do the old joke about how my New Year's resolution is to quit procrastinating tomorrow, but I'm sick of that joke. Or I could do the joke about how I'm giving up Lent for the New Year. Or I could just jab myself in the eye. Guess which one I'll find more amusing?
But since we're on the topic of the new year, and I haven't made an attempt to improve myself lately - not that I need it - I thought I would list some of my New Year's resolutions for 2002. And I won't do the joke about forgetting all of these by the end of January.
1. I resolve not to kick people in the butt, except those who truly deserve it. This list includes, but is not limited to: stupid people, telemarketers, lawyers who file stupid lawsuits on behalf of stupid people, dumb people, people who ask "Hot enough for you?", people who drive below the speed limit in the left hand lane, morons, 'NSync, and people who can tell whether I spelled 'NSync wrong or not.
2. I resolve to be a more creative and thoughtful humor writer, and to not use Dave Barry bodily function humor just to get a cheap laugh. Bodily function humor cheapens and demeans both the writer and the reader. Sure it's a guaranteed laugh, but the true humorist can makepeople laugh without resorting to it.
3. Booger, fart, doody.
4. I resolve that whenever I pass through a construction site and see some hard hat-wearing goober who's holding a "Slow" sign and waving a line of 87 cars through the only open lane on the road, I will not slam on the brakes, roll down my window, and ask him whether the sign refers to my speed or his intellectual capabilities.
5. I resolve to be nicer to everyone, whether they deserve it or not.
6. I resolve to solve the obvious conflict between Resolutions#4 and #5. But if I'm hard-pressed, I will let #4 win out in the end, since those "Slow" guys are generally morons, anyway.
7. I resolve to educate people that Ringo Starr was truly the creative force behind The Beatles.
8. I resolve to improve my woodworking skills by using the best tools available to woodworkers, sparing no expense.
9. Since I never have enough money to buy the woodworking tools mentioned in Resolution #8, I resolve to get free "demonstration models" from the manufacturers by shamelessly selling out my journalistic integrity via my humor column.
10. I mean, come on, how stupid do the "Slow" guys think we are that he has to point for everyone to follow the car in front of them, rather than driving off the half-completed bridge?
11. Attention Delta Woodworking Marketing Department: Would you guys like a nice, impartial review of your Model 37-195 jointer? How about a Model 31-250 18" x 36" drum sander? I mean, otherwise I'll haveto contact those guys over at Jet or something ...
12. I resolve not to freak out when my oldest daughter takes all the clothes off her Barbie dolls and sticks them in Barbie's swimmingpool because "all they have are their regular clothes. They don't haveany swimsuits."
13. I resolve not to freak out even more when my oldest daughter decides that Ken wants to go swimming, too.
14. I resolve not to stammer, stutter, get red in the face, or fake a seizure when my daughter asks why her Barbies have to have their clothes on, and her Ken doll has been given to the dogs for a toy. Better yet, I resolve to let my wife answer those questions.
15. I resolve not to give dirty looks to parents whose children whine, cry, fuss, or generally misbehave in restaurants, supermarkets, or movie theaters, even though I could easily point out 27 things they've done wrong in the past 45 minutes. Not that I'm counting or anything.
16. I also resolve to continue to point these children out to my own children saying, "See that? If you act like that, you'll never get into a good college. And you'll end up working as a 'Slow' guy for the Mackinac Island Highway Department."
17. I resolve to quit pointing out to people that December 31, 2001 was actually the end of the first year of the new millennium, and not the end of the second. Also, I will not point out to people that the first year of our calendar was 1 A.D., and that two millennia later - 2000 years - would mean that 2001 was the beginning of the new millennium, and not the year 2000 as most marketing people would have you believe.
18. I resolve not to ogle the Victoria's Secret catalog or gawk openly at the Victoria's Secret models I see on tv, no matter how - wait a minute! Did I say that? What I meant to say is that I resolve to shower my wife - who reads this column every week - with love, attention, and affection. And to buy her flowers. For her birthday. I mean Mother's Day. Oops, I mean Valentine's Day. Heh heh, yeah that's what I meant.
19. Finally, and I mean this most sincerely, I resolve to strive for world peace, to accept all people, and work to make the world a better place no matter - booger, fart, doody.