Vol. 22, No. 5,514 - The American Reporter - September 7, 2016

by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Syracuse, Indiana
June 1, 2001

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SYRACUSE, Ind., June 1, 2001 -- {Editor's Note: In comments yesterday, the White House press office advised media to "think over very c arefully" our treatment of what was termed a "private family matter" concer ning the adventures of First Twins Barbara and Jenna Bush. Having given the

matter lengthy consideration, it is our conclusion that their run-ins with the law deserve less coverage than those of President Clinton's brother Ro ger, President Carter's brother Billy, President Kennedy's entire extended family, and somewhat more than the coverage merited by President Johnson's unfortunate beagle.

Announcer: Welcome to another weekly installment of Make My Day R adio Theatre, brought to you by the Jimmy Buffet Basketball Appreciation an d Anger Management Clinic.

And now this week's episode, "Sister, Can You Spare a 'Swirl Margarita'= ?"

(SFX: Ambient restaurant noise and strains of "Deep In The Heart= of Texas" are heard)

Marge: Welcome to Chuy's Mexican Restaurant here in afashion= able part of Austin, Texas. My name is Marge, and I'll be yourwaitress toni= ght. Can I get you anything to drink?

Jesse Day-Wickham (friend of Jenna and Barbara Bush): I'll h= ave one of your famous "swirl margaritas."

Barbara Bush (daughter of President George W. Bush, not hism= other): Could you make that two famous "swirl margaritas" please?

Jenna Bush (Barbara's twin): I'll have two shots of tequila and a Coro= na please.

Jenna ("interior monologue" voiceover): Heh heh heh, litt= le dothese fools realize that even though I'm the most recognizedpresidenti= al daughter after Chelsea Clinton, I can buy all the alcohol Iwant by using= a friend's valid identification.

Marge: Could I see some ID please?

Jesse: Here's mine.

Marge: Thank you. This says you're 23, and from El Paso. Barbara: And here's mine.

Marge: This says's you're 22, and originally from Dallas. Jenna: Here you go.

Marge: Hmmm ... . this says you're a 57 year old Chinese wo= manfrom Seattle. Excuse me, I have to ask my manager a question that iscomp= letely unrelated to your drink order.

(SFX: footsteps to the kitchen)

Marge: Hey Bobby! I was just handed this ID by a woman who l= ooksa lot like the daughter of our former governor and current president,Ge= orge Dubya. But this picture looks nothing like her.

Bobby: Hey you're right, she does look like Jen= naBush. I didn't know Jenna was Chinese.

Marge: She's not, you idiot. She's American. And she's 19. I= heard that on the news when she received a ticket for underage drinkinga co= uple weeks ago. Let's see, if I remember correctly, Municipal CourtJudge El= isabeth Earle ordered Jenna to perform eight hours of communityservice, tak= e a six-hour alcohol awareness course and pay $51.25 incourt fees.

Bobby: Wow, where'd you hear all that?

Marge: Uh, it was on NPR last week. Should we serve her?

Bobby: Of course not! If she's not 21, then we can't serve h= er. According to the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code, she has committed two C= lass C misdemeanors by misrepresenting her age and allegedly using false id= entification to purchase alcohol. If I remember my TABC training correctly,= both offenses carry a fine of up to $500, require attendance at an alcohol= awareness course, community service, and a 30-day driver's license suspens= ion. But since this is her second offense, her earlier punishment could be revoked, and Austin prosecutor John Wall might actually seek a conviction.

Marge: (whispering): Quit hamming it up, Bobby! This is my o= ne big chance at radio theatre stardom, and I don't want you screwing it up= !

Bobby: (whispering): This is the only recognition I'm gonna get. None of the newspapers even mentioned my name when they reported the s= tory! I had to make this name up just to get the part.

Marge: (normal voice): What about that other woman who looks= justlike her? I think that's Jenna's twin sister, Barbara.

Bobby: What does her ID say?

Marge: That's she's 22 and from Dallas.

Bobby: Go ahead and serve her and their suspiciouslyyoung-lo= oking friend.

Marge: What are you going to do?

Bobby: I'm going to call the police.

(SFX: footsteps back to table)

Marge: Here you go, two of Chuy's famous "swirl margaritas."=

Barbara: Why do you use quotes every time you say "swirlmarg= aritas?"

Marge: In case it's trademarked. I don't want to get= sued.

Jenna: Hey, what about my tequilas and Corona?

Marge: Uhhh ... we're still working on that, ma'am. It shoul= dbe right out to you.

(SFX: phone dialing)

Bobby: Hello, Austin City Police Department? My name is Bobb= yNolastnamegiven, and I am the manager at Chuy's Mexican Restaurant herein a fashionable part of Austin.

911 Dispatcher: What do you mean by "fashionable," sir? Bobby: That's journalist talk for "rich and snooty." But that'sno= t important right now. We have a serious situation here, and I didn'tknow w= ho else to call. Someone who looks like Jenna Bush is trying touse false id= entification to purchase alcohol!

(dramatic chord)

Austin 911 dispatcher: Don't worry, Mr. Nolastnamegiven. We'= llhave some officers and a political spin team over immediately.

= Bobby: Hurry, please! Oh the humanity ... ! (hangs up)

Marge: Well, I served the drinks to those other two, but I'm= stalling Jenna.

(SFX: footsteps to table)

Marge: How's everything going? Can I get anyone a refill? Jenna: Actually I'm still waiting for my first drink.

Marge: Oh, sorry dear. We're really swamped, and one of ourb= artenders is out sick tonight.

Jenna: But we're the only ones here! The Secret Service -- I= mean, some well-dressed strangers I've never seen before -- cleared outthe restaurant two hours ago.

Captain Ball: Hello, I'm Captain David Ball of the TexasAlco= holic Beverage Commission. We're working with the Austin police toinvestiga= te alleged incidents of underage drinking by daughters ofcurrent U.S. Presi= dents. We just received an anonymous tip that somealleged underage drinking= might be taking place here.

Bobby: Thank God you're here, Captain Ball. I didn't know wh= atto do. I considered mentioning something to Ms. Bush in private, butfigur= ed that since she's the daughter of the president, I needed to callas much attention to the situation as I could.

Captain Ball: You did the right thing, Mr. Nolastnamegiven. Underage drinking at colleges and universities could become very serious. E= ven though less than one percent of the entire college population drinks be= fore age 21, underage drinking could easily become a serious problem in thi= s country. Our big concern is that if more college students begin to drink before they're 21, it could lead to weekend binge drinking, irresponsible b= ehavior, lower grades. Some students might even join social fraternities or= sororities.

(dramatic chord)

Bobby: Thank you Captain Ball. I think we've all learned a v= ery valuable lesson here tonight.

Barbara: Yes, Captain Ball. I won't drink anymore until I'm 21.

Marge: But I thought you were 22.

Barbara: Ha ha, we fooled you!

(Everyone laughs)

Announcer: And so ends another exciting episode of Make My D= ay Radio Theatre. Be sure to join us next week when Republican-turned-Indep= endent Senator Jim Jeffords learns about compassionate conservatism and the= morality of the Republican Party in "Jim Jeffords and the Anonymous Death Threats."

Copyright 2016 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.

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